Dads Joke Shed

Somebody smashed the window at our local Vision Express today.
However, they got a new one within the hour, including new frames

I tried to change the password on my laptop to be "Beef Stew" but i got an error message saying it wasnt Stroganoff

I was at the airport check in and I said "The big case is to go to New York, the small case to New Delhi and I'm going to Sydney"
"I am afraid we cant do that sir" replied the check-in assistant
"Why not" I said "You managed it last time"

There was a robbery at our local pharmacy last night. Thieves stole the entire stock of Viagra.
Police say they are looking for two hardened criminals.

I walked into a restaurant and asked the waiter "Do you do takeaways?"
"Yes" he replied "6 take away 2 is 4"

I went for an Indian meal last night and asked the waiter for a Chicken Tarka.
He corrected me saying ."I think you mean a Chicken Tikka".
"No" I replied "A Chicken Tarka. Its like a Chicken Tikka only a little 'otter"

A dog went to the Post Office as he wanted to send a telegram.
Taking a telegram form and a pencil he wrote down "Woof Woof Woof, Woof, Woof, Woof Woof, Woof"
He took the form to the counter. The assistant looked at it and said "You only have 8 words here,
You are allowed 10 words for the same price. You could get in another couple of "Woofs".
"Don't be stupid" said the dog "It wouldn't make any sense then".

I was in Birmingham last week and went to an Indian restaurant for dinner.
While I was eating, the waiter came over and asked "Curry OK?"
"Great" I said "Put me down for My Way by Frank Sinatra"

I took my dog to the cinema last night
After the film had finished he stood up on his hind legs and started applauding
"Wow, thats amazing" said the Usherette
"I know" I replied, "He thought the book was rubbish"

A Yorkshireman walks in to a jewellers and asks "Can tha mek me a gold statue of't whippet"
"Do you want it 18 carat" asks the jeweller
"Don't be soft lad" replies the Yorkshireman "I want it chewing't bone"

My dentist has just been awarded "Dentist Of The Year"
He is a bit disappointed as all he got was a little plaque

Did you hear about the cowboy who had brown paper boots, brown paper clothes and a brown paper hat
The local sheriff arrested him for rustling

Heard on the news this morning that 2 men mistook Curry Powder for Heroin
One has been in a Korma for 2 weeks and the other one now has a dodgy Tikka

"These bacon sandwiches are lovely aren't they Piglet?" said Winnie The Pooh

They say a dog is a mans best friend, here is how you prove it......
Take your dog and your wife and lock them in your boot of your car. After 3 hours let them out.
Which one is the most pleased to see you?

There are 10 types of people in this world....Those who understand binary and those who don't

I was in London when the Olympic Games were taking place. I was near the Olympic Stadium and walking towards me was a tall man carrying a long piece of wood. I stopped him. "Excuse me" I said "Are you a Pole Vaulter ?" "No" he replied, "I am German, and how did you know my name was Walter"

I have heard a lot of bad jokes in my time but the ones about German sausages are the Wurst

Whethear....That was the worst spell of weather we have had for a long time

.............Will be back soon !!!!